Author: Luke Bartholomew

The topic of suicide is something that most of us are terrified to talk about or mention. Society has placed so much stigma on the topic of suicide which has made it so difficult for so many of us to talk about. We need to stop being so scared by this topic; this is something that needs to be talked about.

We live in a country that has a high prevalence of violence, crime and abuse and many other risk factors leading to individuals struggling with mental health and suicidal ideation.

The reality is that either we have had suicidal thoughts in the past, know someone who has been or is suicidal or have interacted with someone who has been suicidal without our knowledge. The issue of suicide and suicidal ideation is an extremely prevalent issue in society. The fact that we are too scared to talk about this topic has to change. 

The information I am leaving here is just the tip of the iceberg and I encourage you all to upgrade your knowledge with regards to this topic. Knowledge is also wasted without proper application, so I encourage you to exercise these skills with friends in need around you.

There is a common misconception that talking about suicide with people, especially people who already have suicidal thoughts, will give ideas and reinforce suicidal thoughts. This is not true. People struggling with suicidal thoughts need someone to talk to about their thoughts and feelings and need to feel safe when doing so. We need to learn to exercise unconditional positive regard and suspend our judgement. We need to learn to love.

Before proceeding I will briefly explain what suicidal ideation is. It is when an individual is considering, planning or wanting to attempt suicide. This can be either passive, where the individual considers the idea of suicide or wishes to be dead, or active suicide where they have intent or have plans in place in order to complete suicide. This includes behaviours such as obsessing over the topic of death and dying, as well as self-harming behaviours.

Did you notice my use of the word completed suicide rather than committed suicide? This is something that a good friend of mine, who is a Clinical Psychologist, recently brought to my awareness. We need to be aware of the stigma attached to certain words and how these words shape our view, in this case our view of suicide. When talking about inherently negative behaviours such as crime and adultery we refer to people “committing” these behaviours; she “committed” a crime and he “committed” adultery. These acts have been vilified and so as a result we begin to vilify the act of an individual “committing” suicide. This leads us to often begin the conversation around suicide with an underlying negativity towards it. We therefore need to be careful about the words we use, and the stigma attached to them.

It is important to realise that people who have suicidal ideation or are suicidal do not walk around with a banner or microphone professing their suicidal thoughts and feelings. Often people who are struggling inside emotionally will mask these emotions and appear “normal” or happy. Humour is often used as a defence mechanism to mask our emotions. Take time to see past the facades and learn to ask people how they really are. Learn to listen with both your ears and eyes. Some individuals will give clues and it is important we listen carefully and do not miss these.

People who are suicidal do not want to end their lives; they want to end their pain. This pain is mostly psychological pain. These individuals often don’t want to complete suicide, but struggle with finding an alternative.

CLC is crucial with regards to the topic at hand. CLC stands for; caring, love and communication, which are vital in interacting with not only a person who is struggling with suicidal thoughts and intentions, but anyone for that matter. We need to create a safe environment that will allow individuals to feel safe having conversations around their thoughts and feelings. We also need to learn to genuinely care and love others through listening non-judgementally and by empathising with others.

When someone is stuck at the bottom of a deep dark pit, we don’t need to ask how they’re doing from the comfort of the top of the pit. We need to get a ladder and climb down in the pit with them. We do this by seeing things through the perspective of the person stuck in the pit and not from our own perspective. We refrain from judging, which is not easy as it’s something we all love to do. We need to learn to feel with people and exercise our empathy.

We need to refrain from using phrases like at least… Don’t look for positives or the silver lining in the situation. We love to fix problems and make things better, but the truth is we don’t need to fix the other persons problems for them. Responses don’t fix problems, connections do. We need to connect with the person and love them rather than see them as something broken that needs fixing. We need to climb into the pit with them, walk along side them and support them.

The two aspects that are correlated to the severity of suicidal intention are helplessness and hopelessness. It’s important to be a source of help for individuals struggling with their mental health and suicidal thoughts and to help them find a sense of hope in what often seems like a deep dark pit of despair. Where we get our sense of worth can be an important question with regards to finding a sense of hope. How can we assist individuals in finding their sense of worth?

While we can play a major role in supporting individuals with suicidal thoughts it’s of great importance to help these individuals gain access to professional help. We can do this by referring them to the necessary professional help such as a psychologist. I will include a few contacts for some helplines in the subsequent post.

As always, I will stress the importance of holistic health with regards to combating any mental health difficulties.

The person is not their problem, the problem is separate from them. SEE THE PERSON, NOT THE PROBLEM! Give them a sense of hope.

John 8:12 – “Again Jesus spoke to them, saying “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

A supportive environment is crucial for any individual to be able to learn and grow and in order to thrive. We need an environment that is conducive for us to be able to implement and practice our newly acquired knowledge and skills.

No one will be able to read any of this information and be able to perfect it straight away, it requires practice and I believe some mistakes and even failure too. We can never truly learn and grow without the lessons that mistakes and failure teach us, so we need to be brave and appreciate the lessons that only failure can teach.

We need to learn to be patient with ourselves. Growth and the acquisition of new skills can take time. We don’t have to succeed at everything mentioned. We need to extend ourselves some grace and be okay with being less than perfect. Enjoy small victories and celebrate them.

The development and implementation of a healthy routine and exercise program is really beneficial. Find some physical activities you enjoy and incorporate them into your schedule. Make sure to do these exercises regularly and turn it into a long-term commitment. It is up to you to figure out the FIT part, being frequency, intensity and time.

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “you are what you eat” and the numerous jokes that go along with that. Your diet really is of great importance, I don’t think I need to say more.

Goal setting is important. Set both long and short-term goals and make sure that they are achievable (SMART) but motivate you towards growth. This can be important to help you assess whether you are where you want to be and where you want to be spending more of your time and energy.

Its important to have strategies in place so when you can see the hurricane of life coming at you, you are able to navigate it and find the eye of the storm. One technique I love to use is a simple breathing technique:

Its great to use all the senses. I like to close my eyes and think of somewhere I feel safe or at peace. In this example I will use the beach. I picture myself sitting in the sand. I can hear and see the clear blue waves crashing on the golden shore and I can feel the coarse sand all around me. For all the Star Wars fans you’re definitely thinking about Anakin right now. Once I feel I am there I inhale slowly through my nose and fill my lungs, I then hold my breathe for 3 seconds before slowly exhaling through my mouth for 5 seconds. When I breathe out, I consciously breathe out all my negative thoughts and feelings. I then repeat this process until I feel calm and in control.

There are other techniques you may want to use such as the progressive muscle relaxation technique or a deep breathing script, and you can find these online. These can be really helpful as our bodies often hold a lot of our stress and we can often find tension in our muscles. I know for me I often hold a lot of tension in my jaw when I am stressed.

Please keep in mind that this is by no means an exhaustive source of information, and I’d like you to use this only as a steppingstone in your pursuit towards managing and dealing with your stress.

Exodus 33:14 – “My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”

“Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.”

We often feel like we are alone or that others don’t have tigers (stress and fear) in their lives. This is so far from the truth; the reality is that we all face the same tigers. More so than ever we are all facing the same fears and worries. It is important to take comfort in the fact that we are all in the same boat, and that these worries and fears are not unique to us.

There are many common misconceptions that often only create further trouble. I have listed a few:

• We often feel as though we can just think our way out of feeling bad. While our mindset is a powerful tool, we still need to put practical steps in place to deal with our stress.
• We feel we are crazy or inadequate for feeling the way we do. The truth is we have the right to feel the way we do, and it does not make us crazy or inadequate. Don’t deny yourself your true feelings.
• Busyness solves all problems. Keeping busy is not a healthy way to cope with our worries, stress and feeling better about ourselves.
• Other people won’t care, understand or support us when we communicate how we feel and are honest with our struggles. We need to talk to someone (parent, teacher, friend, counsellor) about our feelings, we were not designed to navigate life alone.
• It is weakness in seeking the guidance and support of others. This is not weakness, we need to include other people in our lives, including our fears, difficulties and problems that we face.
• Life is so serious. Yes, it can be, but we need to take time to enjoy our lives and stop being so critical of ourselves.
• I don’t have time to look after myself (eat well, relax and enjoy some leisure time). We need to make time for our faith, our health, our passions and our rest.

There are many other misconceptions, but it is important to realise that we need to stop being so critical of ourselves and we need to involve others in our lives, really involve them, and to take time to full our own cups. TURN TO GOD!

I also feel it is so important to find things to celebrate and be grateful for amidst tough times. What better reminder to us of this than the resurrection of Jesus after being crucified on the cross. I am not saying that there aren’t things to fear or that worry isn’t real, what I am saying is that we still have the opportunity and choice to focus on what is good, and on our numerous blessings. I pray that as we celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus, we can find a resurrection of faith, trust and hope in our own hearts.

Philippians 4:6-7 – “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Identification

We often only see the stress we are under when we are consumed by it, and often struggle identifying our levels of stress early on. Its important to become aware of ourselves and be able to identify when we are under stress in order to effectively deal with it. Here are just a few red flags:

• Getting in trouble with teachers (teens)
• Sleeping less or more than usual
• Appetite loss or binge eating
• Somatic symptoms – headaches, stomach-aches, colds, infections, sore muscles etc
• Escapist behaviour or avoidant behaviour – overdoing activities and ignoring certain tasks or activities that need to be done
• Social withdrawal
• Crying for no apparent reason
• Restlessness, anxiety and constant worry
• Feelings of lack of control
• Depression, sadness and irritability

What can we do?

An important step in becoming the Tiger King is to gain insight. Identify the fears, worries and misconceptions you have about yourself and your world. How do we perceive our challenges? Admitting that you are struggling and that you have taken on more than you can handle is actually an important step and is a sign of a psychological strength.

Pearl Bailey – “You never find yourself until you face the truth.”

Gaining another person’s perspective can be invaluable. Find someone you trust and ask them for their honest evaluation of yourself, your behaviour and your situation. Often when faced with the truth we prefer to live in denial as we don’t want to admit how much we may be struggling or how off-centre our lives have become. Step away from this and be open to the perspective of others. It’s okay to make mistakes and fall down sometimes.

Mary Pickford said – “If you have made mistakes there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call ‘failure’ is not the falling down, but the staying down.”

Reach out to other people and put your trust in someone. It doesn’t have to be your parents or best friend, but you need to find someone to open up to. Find someone who can help you create a psychologically safe environment, if you are in a more fortunate position then create a safe environment for people who may need someone for support.

No one is born with knowing how to make friends and maintain relationships, knowing how to deal with stress, how to study or manage finances and so on. Take an active role in learning, especially in the areas of your life that you are struggling with and lacking in. Turn away from negative coping behaviours.

Being kind to yourself is extremely important and for many of us can be very difficult due to external and internal pressures. We need to learn to sometimes lower the expectations we place ourselves under. It’s okay to not always be okay. It’s okay to not always be the best at everything. YOU ARE ENOUGH!

Make time for the people you enjoy spending time with and who make you feel good. Who makes you laugh and is fun to be around? Spend time with those people. Surround yourself with positivity and be the positivity to others.

Focus on holistic health. Eat healthily, exercise regularly, spend some down time and get good rest. Make time for your spiritual wellbeing.

Use positive self-talk and think about yourself in a positive light. There can be many voices that compete for our attention and there is constant battle going on in our thoughts. Learn to listen to the voice of truth. You are beautiful. You are important. You are worthy. You do deserve happiness.

Can we add time or happiness to our lives through worrying? The answer is simply no, so practice spending your time living life and praising God. Cast your burdens and anxiety upon the Lord.

Matthew 11:28-30 – “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

So, I decided to hop onto the crazy train and watch the new Netflix series, Tiger King. I don’t believe it’s a coincidence that at the same time I started reading a book by Earl Hipp titled Fighting invisible tigers. I am involved in the field of psychology and so I need to constantly be upskilling and reading psychological material. My supervisor gave me this book to read and I feel that it is so relevant and necessary given our current scenario.

Again, we are facing a time of great uncertainty and the threat of fear is ever-present. For many of us our tigers (Stress? Fear?) have been uncaged and are roaming around without constraint. There are many invisible tigers that are present such as fear around finances, uncertainty around education, will we have enough essentials during lockdown and so on. These are real fears, but we need to be weary not to let them take root in our lives.

So, with this being said I will list a few basics in the next couple blogs with regard to managing stress and making sure we don’t just cope with our invisible tigers, but learn to effectively manage them, hopefully a lot better than Joe Exotic.

Short-term stress is not always unhealthy but often necessary in our effective functioning, it is long-term stress we need to be monitoring.

When we stress constantly, and our life is full of tigers that don’t leave we gradually adapt and become accustom to higher and higher levels of stress. There is often no time to slow down, rest and recuperate. This often takes a huge, mental, physical and emotional toll on us that leaves us unable to function fully and be the people we want to be. “Like a woodcutter who never takes time to sharpen his axe, you discover that it is more difficult to do things that were once easy”. It is also difficult to take time off and rest as the fast pace consumer culture we live in does not value rest and society regards rest as laziness. We need to ignore the “stigma” attached and obey God’s call for us to rest.

If we really think about it, there is no stress in the world. Sure, our society places high demands and pressure on us but stress is something that happens internally. Stress is a result of how we perceive and interpret the challenges we face. Perspective as well as effective stress management are therefore very important in our fight against our invisible tigers. Here is an analogy to paint the picture:

Scene 1: You’re a young, untrained and inexperienced Joe Exotic. You are placed inside a tiger enclosure with a 300 kg killing machine that is looking at you like a tasty lunch. Inside you begin to panic, your chest tightens up and you feel a shortness of breath. GET ME OUT!

Scene 2: You’re a mature, trained and experienced Joe Exotic. You climb into the tiger enclosure with the same tiger as before. However, you have the skills and knowledge on how to safely interact with this majestic animal. THIS IS GREAT!

These scenarios are the same, the difference in these two scenarios is perspective and having the necessary skills. This is why we need to learn effective stress management skills and change our perspective on work, rest and our holistic wellbeing. Hopefully the next few blogs will help highlight and remind you of some skills you can use in dealing with these invisible tigers.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 – “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

Reference:

• Hipp, E. (2019). Fighting invisible tigers: Stress management for teens (Revised & updated fourth ed). Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing. (2019). Retrieved April 6, 2020.

This has been something I have been meaning to do for a while, but I have let the “voices in my head” tell me I have nothing to offer for far too long. I feel that God has placed it on my heart to do this, even though I have no idea what it will look like, so I’m taking a step of faith and listening to the “voice of truth”.  (give the song voice of truth by Casting Crowns a listen).

Yes, this is outside my comfort zone. Yes, I am worried that no one will read this. Yes, I am worried that people will actually read this. Weird that I think both these things, yes, I know. Yes, I have feelings of inadequacy and fear. No, I will not let them stop me from stepping out of my comfort zone and into faith.

Amidst this time of uncertainty, panic and fear there is also a sense of hope and opportunity, at least for me. While I don’t want to make light of our current circumstances, and I am also aware of the fortunate and blessed position I am in which makes having a positive outlook a much greater possibility, I believe we need to take hold of what is good.

We have been given the opportunity to assess what is excess and unnecessary in our lives and what we no longer need. It’s a time to see the value in relationships and healthy communication. A time to connect with family and loved ones, which is easy to neglect in the mad rush of “normal” life.

It’s an opportunity to assess what has become our “normal” and what our normal needs to become. It’s a chance to slow down, relax, and realise that we get so caught up in the busyness of our own lives we neglect what is important and we forget to be present.

Take this time to be present in conversations with the people you are surrounded by and be present in every moment. Tap into your creative sides, if possible, take time to enjoy nature. Use this time to reflect on who you are and who you want to be. BREATHE.

If you take away anything, I hope that you will be encouraged to change your perspective and choose hope over despair. I encourage you to renew your mind and change your heart and be that hope in a world that is so desperately longing for it.

“Hope is the anthem of my soul” – Switchfoot

Romans 15:13 – “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit”.